top of page


a word I've recently discovered, which is new to me...


Looking prematurely aged or rough from drinking/partying/a dissolute life.

One of my many wishes is that I had a vastly improved vocabulary than I currently do. I do love discovering news words, particularly if I can find a way to incorporate them into any of my writing. While working as a journalist, I was fortunate enough to be partnered with someone who did have a wonderfully natural way with words (my own creative prose takes a lot of effort), and large vocabulary. He would while away many a quiet moment in the office browsing through a giant dictionary, and every now and then would enlighten me with a new word he had discovered. Various different words relating, in one way or another, to buttocks or bums, for which he had a healthy obsession, were revealed to me (such as nates, clunes, calipygous), all of which made their way into the first book I finished writing, The Furgle And The Frimp. Rantipole, flibbertigibbet and hobbledihoy were other words he taught me which I had never heard of before. Since then I've always been happy to discover new words, and have built up a library of favourite words, and phrases, which I'm happy to share here.

They said...some of my favourite quotes from other people

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

Sometimes, when it seems as if everything is falling apart, it could be that all the pieces are coming together.

It's better to regret something you've done than to regret not doing something when you had the chance.

To succeed in life, you need a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Tough times don't last; tough people do.

Beaten paths are for beaten men.

If you don't get lost, you'll never find new directions.

The only difference between try and triumph is a little umph.

You can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter.

Don't make excuses for people; you can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

The only things that come to he who waits are what was left behind by the man who got there first.

The early bird might well get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

In vino veritas - in wine, truth.

Carpe diem - seize the day.

Draco dormients nunquam titiandus - never tickle a sleeping dragon.

Semper in excretia, sumus solim profundum variat - we're always in the manure, only the depth varies.

They said...attributable quotes which have amused and bemused me

Reports say that there's - that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me because, as we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know that there are known unknowns, that is to say, we know there are some things we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."

Norman Lamb, Minister of State for Care Services, November 2012

Overall, the experience of death has improved quite a lot.

I want to be remembered for bollocks.

Donald Rumsfeld, February 2002

Brian Blessed, October 2013

I said...some of my own little literary pearls of wisdom

If you're happy and you know it, think again.

Scary biscuits.

From little acorns, you get very small nut cutlets.

I will be back when I return, and not a moment before. And if I do come back before I return, then shoot me because I will be a cunningly-cloned imposter.

What's sauce for the goose doesn't necessarily go down very well with chips.

One should always endeavour to give 100% in everything one does, with the possible exception of donating blood.

I'm not remotely superstitious. I take all that sort of thing with a pinch of salt. Tossed over my shoulder, naturally.

I feel like a gloworm which has backed into a fan. De-lighted.

I always aim to please; it's just unfortunate that I happen to be such a rotten shot.

I am a flawed genius, my main flaw being that I have yet to discover where my true genius lies.

There's no point having your fingers in lots of different pies if you never get around to doing any baking.

Sometimes, attempting to communicate effectively with my autistic son is like a one-armed man trying to use Semaphore to explain in broken English to a blind, dyslexic, Chinese fish what colour the number four smells like!

People complain about their lives being like a rollercoaster ride. Personally, I would much rather ride a rollercoaster than a monorail.

I've been stabbed in the back so many times that if I ever get invited to a fancy dress party, I think I'll go as a quite convincing porcupine.

Two new words that I am claiming the credit for creating...


Talking total twaddle - aka talking bollocks - but of a significantly superior quality to the usual rubbish that you might frequently utter - aka 'quality bollocks'.

A playful and lively movement or activity, rather like a frolic, but of a bollocky quality.


bottom of page